Plan A : a wedding speech

As heard in a certain wedding, on a certain last saturday, in a certain danish capital, with a certain B family ……:

When we began to work on the traditionnal speech, or skit, that families usually do at weddings, we had two plans.
Plan A was a speech, a song, a skit, well euh, actually, nothing very precisely defined…
In fact, we were quite counting on plan B
which was to announce the birth of camille and dom’s Baby, show cute pictures , etc. …

[Lau on the phone makes sign that still not an option]
well we are in direct connection with Paris and the baby is still where he’s been for 9 months…..

Anyway, it is now back to plan A

We thought of a song but it is definitely a real job and professionnals are doing it much better than we do, trust us.
Singing mika, depeche mode, gossip or, worse, on christophe’s music would have been pathetic
And also there are no lyrics in christophe’s song so that was quite an issue….
[pause]
So plan A, eh eh eh, well…

[getting ready to make speech]
[music starts]
[the VTB TEAM COMES IN]
–
Christophe sorry, yes your brothers and sister could make a nice speech for you, you know they can.
[the B.: yes we can]
but…
but we felt there was a much more important public message to give to REBEKKA
–

….

Rebekka, you have just married Christophe, a few hours ago.

Christophe B. –
last name B.
from the family, the B. family

So now, we have news for you: a good one,
and a bad one.

We’ll begin with the bad….

The bad news is :
you are now part of a large, very large family and that implies a lot of duties, burdens, tasks, and many other obligations;
because if the B. are, indeed, very pleasant and loveable;
they can also be …..
umh, we’ll just say “complicated”, that will do…

[coughs and tentative to retake the mike from the Bs]

and anyway we cannot divulge everything as we are under the surveillance of the B. committee.

See, they are everywhere,
in the world,
in Paris,
in this room,
not only the guy you married, but also,
his sister,
two of his brothers,
his father,
a few aunts and uncles
some cousins……….

[more coughing]
argggh, they are WATCHING us, so we have to be very careful.

But;
the good news is that YOU are now an added value to the family, and as such,
Frédéric ,
Stephanie,
as well as Camille , would like to thank you to have joined our cause.

Yes, now that you are married, duly married, you must know a few things.
Amongst those: the comforting fact that you have earned your full membership in our
“béta alpha ro theta epsilon”
fraternity (now turning into a sorority)
or, to be shorter, “vis ton B.” / “live with your B.”.

It is a very select group, only those living with a B. can have access to this exclusive club.

And that’s why we are very proud and honored, on behalf of all the “added values”, as we call members of our club, to award you with a platinum membership,
This, amongst many other services, gives you access to our 24-7 free hotline, specially dedicated to questions relatives to the life with a B.

And trust us, you will need it !!!

why?

[a B. stands up to suggest something, they woo him away]
Well for instance, the B. is always insisting telling you what you should do.
Don’t panic,
listen quietly,
say YES to everything,
and, then, do what YOU decided to do.
Like we do know

Or yet another example: the B. has a very temperature-sensitive skin and doesn’t like draughts, he is easily feeling cold……..
[a B. looks for a scarf]

Do not panic, go get the first aid case, cover him in a safety blanket, don’t call 911, but go and CLOSE the window!
and he will be better in 2 sec.

Sleeping next to a B. is not as peaceful as it may seems at first :
[xavier starts to snore]

you now plan to go to Bali on your honeymoon trip.
You plan to make some scubadiving…
True, but you may as well have to practice your snore-killing skills first !

you must also know that it is impossible to have all the B.
[jerome leaves to do something]
at the same table, at the same time.
Never try, it is useless.

And if they finally seat, do not be surprised : they are very likely to talk their very strange language in which most words start with an “i” : iTunes, iPhone, iPod, iMac, aïoli…
[an iPhone rings in a B.’s pocket]

you will see
there is a lot more to discover.
and there really are some barthitudes

But, never give up, WE ARE HERE to support you.
As we understand what you live better than anyone else.

Because we know a very valuable thing:
yes it may be hard,
but we can tell you, by experience,
that living with a B. is so much fun,
everyday entertainement, and is totally worth it.

so tonight,
we can award you your official certificates